i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
