now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
