I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
