mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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