He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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