i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Less talking, more tequila
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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