If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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