Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
