Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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