My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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