I cannot find my penis.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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