is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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