I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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