I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
