Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
