Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
3pm strippers are depressing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
