My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
