Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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