So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
