as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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