Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
