I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
