You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
