Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
