I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
