Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
