I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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