see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
