hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
