So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
