If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
