I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize