It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
