i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize