someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
