he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
