well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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