Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
