Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize