at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
