I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
third nipple confirmed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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