your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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