seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
