....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
