I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
