...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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