my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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