Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
