I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
