I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
