1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
