Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
