So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
