I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
