remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
only if we run a train.
done.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
