Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Terrible idea I love it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
