i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
