It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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