Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
