why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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soo... how was my night?
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